Posts
A blonde named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backedup. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!!!" she replied.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
The Drunk
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"
Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy crap.My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"
Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy crap.My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
Sometimes I Stop to Think and Forget to Start Again.
Funny Newspaper Ads
From a Dayton paper:"New on the market! Norelco shaver for women with three heads.
From the Bargain Hunter:"Before you put your baby on the floor clean it with a power Carpet sweeper."
From an Iowa paper: "For Sale: 1974 Chevy Nova in first clash condition."
From a sporting goods ad: "Special on golf clubs for good players with movable heads."
From a San Franscico paper: "If your gas range is not exactly level, the food cooked in the oven will not burn as evenly as it should."
From a LA paper: "Fog rolled over LA today, closing 2 airports and slowing snails to a traffic pace."
**************
A tourist walking through Chinatown turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Lars Olaffsen's Laundry."Curious about the oddity of the name he walks into the shop and asks the old Chinese gentleman behind the counter, "How did this place get the name Lars Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man replied, "Is name of owner."The tourist then questions further, "Is the owner here? Can I meet him?""Me owner." comes the reply"You? How did you manage to get a name like Lars Olaffsen?" queries the astonished tourist."Is simple," says the old man. "Many year ago when I first come to this country, I stand in line to get off boat. Man in front of me is big blonde Swede. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name" He say "Lars Olaffsen". Then she look at me and say "What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."
**************
One way to keep your teenage son from borrowing your car is to put "I LOVE MOM" on the license plate.
***************
Top Ten signs You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist.by Cindy Carman
10. He keeps saying I'm the Genie in genealogy.
9. He introduces you to his imaginary assistant.
8. He has an argument with himself and loses.
7. His bionic arm keeps flying up and hitting him in the forehead.
6. He has your pedigree chart tattooed to his chest.
5. He charges you double if you want a copy of it.
4. He introduces you to "Silver Beauty" his beloved paper clip.
3. Pictures of his mother look suspiciously like his dog dressed in an apron.
2. He thinks Washington, DC stands for "Washington, Deceased Colonel".And the number one sign You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist:
1. You accidentally spill water on him and he melts into a pile of clothes.
**************
A young man was playing golf with a much older gentleman. They reached the 9th fairway and the young man was faced with a very difficult shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes the older gentleman chided him, "When I was your age I could hit the ball right over that tree." Feeling the challenge the young man swung very hard and hit the ball. It hit the tree trunk squarely and landed just a foot from where it had previously laid. In consolation the older man says, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
**************
More Attention Getting Business Slogans.
On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:"We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.."
At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."
At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign at a Radiator Shop:"Best place in town to take a leak."
From a Dayton paper:"New on the market! Norelco shaver for women with three heads.
From the Bargain Hunter:"Before you put your baby on the floor clean it with a power Carpet sweeper."
From an Iowa paper: "For Sale: 1974 Chevy Nova in first clash condition."
From a sporting goods ad: "Special on golf clubs for good players with movable heads."
From a San Franscico paper: "If your gas range is not exactly level, the food cooked in the oven will not burn as evenly as it should."
From a LA paper: "Fog rolled over LA today, closing 2 airports and slowing snails to a traffic pace."
**************
A tourist walking through Chinatown turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Lars Olaffsen's Laundry."Curious about the oddity of the name he walks into the shop and asks the old Chinese gentleman behind the counter, "How did this place get the name Lars Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man replied, "Is name of owner."The tourist then questions further, "Is the owner here? Can I meet him?""Me owner." comes the reply"You? How did you manage to get a name like Lars Olaffsen?" queries the astonished tourist."Is simple," says the old man. "Many year ago when I first come to this country, I stand in line to get off boat. Man in front of me is big blonde Swede. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name" He say "Lars Olaffsen". Then she look at me and say "What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."
**************
One way to keep your teenage son from borrowing your car is to put "I LOVE MOM" on the license plate.
***************
Top Ten signs You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist.by Cindy Carman
10. He keeps saying I'm the Genie in genealogy.
9. He introduces you to his imaginary assistant.
8. He has an argument with himself and loses.
7. His bionic arm keeps flying up and hitting him in the forehead.
6. He has your pedigree chart tattooed to his chest.
5. He charges you double if you want a copy of it.
4. He introduces you to "Silver Beauty" his beloved paper clip.
3. Pictures of his mother look suspiciously like his dog dressed in an apron.
2. He thinks Washington, DC stands for "Washington, Deceased Colonel".And the number one sign You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist:
1. You accidentally spill water on him and he melts into a pile of clothes.
**************
A young man was playing golf with a much older gentleman. They reached the 9th fairway and the young man was faced with a very difficult shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes the older gentleman chided him, "When I was your age I could hit the ball right over that tree." Feeling the challenge the young man swung very hard and hit the ball. It hit the tree trunk squarely and landed just a foot from where it had previously laid. In consolation the older man says, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
**************
More Attention Getting Business Slogans.
On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:"We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.."
At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."
At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign at a Radiator Shop:"Best place in town to take a leak."
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Las Vegas Churches
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...! :)
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...! :)
Redneck Man's pick up lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up
Wise Sayings
Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Blonde Ambitions
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Yesterday I got a call from
the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Helloooooo???? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
am automatically stupid. So I told him exactly what his fast-talking salesman
had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves!
"Hellllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year."
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde
anymore!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blondes at the Mall:
A couple of blondes got lost at the mall. So they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says: YOU ARE HERE
One blonde looks at the other and exclaims:"Wow! How do they know that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run - she is still holding the grenade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
It said "concentrate" on it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?
Tell her a joke on a Monday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?
They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Yesterday I got a call from
the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Helloooooo???? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
am automatically stupid. So I told him exactly what his fast-talking salesman
had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves!
"Hellllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year."
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde
anymore!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blondes at the Mall:
A couple of blondes got lost at the mall. So they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says: YOU ARE HERE
One blonde looks at the other and exclaims:"Wow! How do they know that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run - she is still holding the grenade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
It said "concentrate" on it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?
Tell her a joke on a Monday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?
They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Female to Male/Male to Female English dictionary
FINE: Fem> This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Male> This is the word used to answer any question asked by a woman while being distracted by a ball game or anything else requiring our 100% attention. This answer often leads to regrettable promises made, that we later have no memory of.
FIVE MINUTES: FEM>If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Male>5 minutes can mean under five minutes (if we're in a rare especially helpful mood-like being rewarded with sexual favors as soon as it's done). Otherwise, 5 minutes is an indeterminate time period that is ALWAYS longer than 5 minutes and may last years-depending on how soon we're offered sexual favors. Then it's immediately.
NOTHING: Fem>This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
Male>The translation of this word MUST be determined by the accompaning facial expression. If followed by a expressionless, glossy eyed appearance, this TRUELY means Nothing. We are happily in LaLa-land with no cohesive pattern of thought!
If followed by a look of guilt and nervousness: we just bought something silly, rediculous and expensive that you'd NEVER approve of; we just ran over your favorite pet or we just finished looking at one of those internet sites, that you'd NEVER approve of. A guilty "Nothing" is ALWAYS Something!
GO AHEAD: Fem>This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Male>This is a submissive response, knowing that any other answer may result in the loss of reproductive organs. Even when said in anger, this still can result in the loss of reproductive organs. You've got us by the balls either way.
LOUD SIGH: Fem>This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Male> A "Loud Sigh" means you know she knows you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" when you could be having sex instead.
THAT'S OKAY: Fem>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Male>One of the most dangerous statements that a man can make to a woman. You'll forgive whatever she's done to you, BUT you are expected to perform a session of hot & heavy make up sex, the length and acts are determined by the seriousness of the transgressions.
THANKS: Fem> A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Male>When can we have sex again? If we haven't had it yet, when can we start?
WHATEVER: Fem> It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Male> Not common to the male dialogue. Usually used such as "Please forgive me for whatever I've done." meaning "I've got no clue as to why you're upset, but when can we have sex again?"
When a man wants to say "*!#@ YOU!", he says *!#@YOU, BEECH!
Male> This is the word used to answer any question asked by a woman while being distracted by a ball game or anything else requiring our 100% attention. This answer often leads to regrettable promises made, that we later have no memory of.
FIVE MINUTES: FEM>If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Male>5 minutes can mean under five minutes (if we're in a rare especially helpful mood-like being rewarded with sexual favors as soon as it's done). Otherwise, 5 minutes is an indeterminate time period that is ALWAYS longer than 5 minutes and may last years-depending on how soon we're offered sexual favors. Then it's immediately.
NOTHING: Fem>This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
Male>The translation of this word MUST be determined by the accompaning facial expression. If followed by a expressionless, glossy eyed appearance, this TRUELY means Nothing. We are happily in LaLa-land with no cohesive pattern of thought!
If followed by a look of guilt and nervousness: we just bought something silly, rediculous and expensive that you'd NEVER approve of; we just ran over your favorite pet or we just finished looking at one of those internet sites, that you'd NEVER approve of. A guilty "Nothing" is ALWAYS Something!
GO AHEAD: Fem>This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Male>This is a submissive response, knowing that any other answer may result in the loss of reproductive organs. Even when said in anger, this still can result in the loss of reproductive organs. You've got us by the balls either way.
LOUD SIGH: Fem>This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Male> A "Loud Sigh" means you know she knows you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" when you could be having sex instead.
THAT'S OKAY: Fem>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Male>One of the most dangerous statements that a man can make to a woman. You'll forgive whatever she's done to you, BUT you are expected to perform a session of hot & heavy make up sex, the length and acts are determined by the seriousness of the transgressions.
THANKS: Fem> A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Male>When can we have sex again? If we haven't had it yet, when can we start?
WHATEVER: Fem> It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Male> Not common to the male dialogue. Usually used such as "Please forgive me for whatever I've done." meaning "I've got no clue as to why you're upset, but when can we have sex again?"
When a man wants to say "*!#@ YOU!", he says *!#@YOU, BEECH!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Those zany, mad-capped terrorists!
Muslim Heaven: Al Qaeda leader "Osama Bin Laden", killed by US Forces, has finally met with the first of his 72 virgins that Allah promised! 
"ALLAH AKBAR!!
"ALLAH AKBAR!!
More photos........
4 Things to remember:
1. When insulting someone's intelligence, first make sure you have a higher one!
2.
3.
4.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. When insulting someone's intelligence, first make sure you have a higher one!
2. 3. 4. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Priceless:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Four year education at the University of West Virginia? $57,896.00
Admission to a fraternity party? $10.00
A Canon PowerShot 5.0-Megapixel Digital ELPH Camera? $399.00
Sending Mom and Dad a photo of you and your friend, failing to notice the drunken frat boy taking a public whiz in the background? PRICELESS!!!
Pictures are worth 1,000 words.......
3 Sure-fire Methods of making it into politics:
1. Never hesitate to stoop to their level!
2. Always wear suggestive clothing when approaching politicians famous for their extra-ciricular activites!
3. When all else fails, allow the statue of a former President to publically grope you. Future Presidents are always looking for eager assistants!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Evil Kenevil...just starting out........
1. Never hesitate to stoop to their level!
2. Always wear suggestive clothing when approaching politicians famous for their extra-ciricular activites! 3. When all else fails, allow the statue of a former President to publically grope you. Future Presidents are always looking for eager assistants! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Young Evil Kenevil...just starting out........~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Red-neck weather forecasting.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are they so cruel to these blind singers, poor Ray! Really! And why hasn't anyone told Stevie Wonder he's wearing a macramee plant holder on his head?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The merrits of Evolution! Notice the latter guy no longer needs as much hair product!
Red-neck weather forecasting.....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are they so cruel to these blind singers, poor Ray! Really! And why hasn't anyone told Stevie Wonder he's wearing a macramee plant holder on his head?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The merrits of Evolution! Notice the latter guy no longer needs as much hair product!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walt Disney was famous for his love of small children! This ride demonstrates the depth of his love.........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This might have made it into my blonde jokes...except there's a brunette also!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This say it all.........~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walt Disney was famous for his love of small children! This ride demonstrates the depth of his love.........~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This might have made it into my blonde jokes...except there's a brunette also!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This say it all.........And Finally:
Three Things To Think About
So sad to say but this is so true.
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
2. THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse..... You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
2. THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse..... You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
The Cowboy and the FEMA Genie.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Life in Trailer Estates
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a
stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and
she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes. Yes,
I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did
she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would
marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty ."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates
Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.", Morris
replied.
To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur. Be careful!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream
parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis!"
mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a
stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and
she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes. Yes,
I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did
she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would
marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty ."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates
Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.", Morris
replied.
To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur. Be careful!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream
parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis!"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
When the pig's away.....
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
All about Santa
Do you know why there is an angel on top of the Christmas tree?
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor,and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the ciderpot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!________________________
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
________________________
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:"Please send me a brother", the little boy requested very earnestly.
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor,and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the ciderpot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!________________________
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
________________________
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:"Please send me a brother", the little boy requested very earnestly.
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."
Faster than a speeding bullet
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."
"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."
"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."
Monday, December 18, 2006
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Funny Newspaper Classifieds:
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
We don't tear your laundry in our machines. We do it carefully by hand.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmas Tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
And now, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Wanted - folding table by a woman with detachable legs.
Wanted- a boy to take care of horses who can speak German.
For sale - 25 men's wool suits:$15.00- They won't last an hour!
Mother Day Special! - "Don't Kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." - PA newspaper ad
Why go elsewhere to be cheated? You can trust us to do the job!
*************
It is hard to understand how a cemetery could raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.
**************
Attention Getting Business Slogans.
At a Podiatrists's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At an Electrical Repair Shop: "Let us remove your shorts."
At a Plastic Surgeon's Office: "We can help you pick your nose."
At a Pastry Shop: "Get your buns in here."
At an Optometrists office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
At a Safe Company:"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
At a Massage palor:"It's great to be kneaded."
At a Concrete company: "We Dry Harder."
**************
A census taker, while scanning over the form to see if all spaces had been properly filled in, noticed the figures 120 and 112 under the headings, "Age of Father, if living.", and "Age of Mother, if living.""Are your parents really that old?" asked the amazed Census Taker.Came the reply, "Sure, if they were living."
***************
Tombstone Inscription in Scottish Cemetery:
Here lies Hamish McTavish whose deeply sorrowing widow continues to carry on his flourishing green-grocery business at 11 High Street - open daily until 8:00.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
We don't tear your laundry in our machines. We do it carefully by hand.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmas Tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
And now, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Wanted - folding table by a woman with detachable legs.
Wanted- a boy to take care of horses who can speak German.
For sale - 25 men's wool suits:$15.00- They won't last an hour!
Mother Day Special! - "Don't Kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." - PA newspaper ad
Why go elsewhere to be cheated? You can trust us to do the job!
*************
It is hard to understand how a cemetery could raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.
**************
Attention Getting Business Slogans.
At a Podiatrists's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At an Electrical Repair Shop: "Let us remove your shorts."
At a Plastic Surgeon's Office: "We can help you pick your nose."
At a Pastry Shop: "Get your buns in here."
At an Optometrists office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
At a Safe Company:"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
At a Massage palor:"It's great to be kneaded."
At a Concrete company: "We Dry Harder."
**************
A census taker, while scanning over the form to see if all spaces had been properly filled in, noticed the figures 120 and 112 under the headings, "Age of Father, if living.", and "Age of Mother, if living.""Are your parents really that old?" asked the amazed Census Taker.Came the reply, "Sure, if they were living."
***************
Tombstone Inscription in Scottish Cemetery:
Here lies Hamish McTavish whose deeply sorrowing widow continues to carry on his flourishing green-grocery business at 11 High Street - open daily until 8:00.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
ENGLISH ....................... CHINESE WAY
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat
9) Its very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah
16) Whats up........................wa sa pen ing
ENGLISH ....................... CHINESE WAY
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat
9) Its very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah
16) Whats up........................wa sa pen ing
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