More Blonde jokes......

A blonde named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
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A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backedup. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!!!" she replied.

The Drunk

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"

Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy crap.My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Sometimes I Stop to Think and Forget to Start Again.

Funny Newspaper Ads
From a Dayton paper:"New on the market! Norelco shaver for women with three heads.
From the Bargain Hunter:"Before you put your baby on the floor clean it with a power Carpet sweeper."
From an Iowa paper: "For Sale: 1974 Chevy Nova in first clash condition."
From a sporting goods ad: "Special on golf clubs for good players with movable heads."
From a San Franscico paper: "If your gas range is not exactly level, the food cooked in the oven will not burn as evenly as it should."
From a LA paper: "Fog rolled over LA today, closing 2 airports and slowing snails to a traffic pace."
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A tourist walking through Chinatown turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Lars Olaffsen's Laundry."Curious about the oddity of the name he walks into the shop and asks the old Chinese gentleman behind the counter, "How did this place get the name Lars Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man replied, "Is name of owner."The tourist then questions further, "Is the owner here? Can I meet him?""Me owner." comes the reply"You? How did you manage to get a name like Lars Olaffsen?" queries the astonished tourist."Is simple," says the old man. "Many year ago when I first come to this country, I stand in line to get off boat. Man in front of me is big blonde Swede. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name" He say "Lars Olaffsen". Then she look at me and say "What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."
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One way to keep your teenage son from borrowing your car is to put "I LOVE MOM" on the license plate.
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Top Ten signs You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist.by Cindy Carman
10. He keeps saying I'm the Genie in genealogy.
9. He introduces you to his imaginary assistant.
8. He has an argument with himself and loses.
7. His bionic arm keeps flying up and hitting him in the forehead.
6. He has your pedigree chart tattooed to his chest.
5. He charges you double if you want a copy of it.
4. He introduces you to "Silver Beauty" his beloved paper clip.
3. Pictures of his mother look suspiciously like his dog dressed in an apron.
2. He thinks Washington, DC stands for "Washington, Deceased Colonel".And the number one sign You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist:
1. You accidentally spill water on him and he melts into a pile of clothes.
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A young man was playing golf with a much older gentleman. They reached the 9th fairway and the young man was faced with a very difficult shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes the older gentleman chided him, "When I was your age I could hit the ball right over that tree." Feeling the challenge the young man swung very hard and hit the ball. It hit the tree trunk squarely and landed just a foot from where it had previously laid. In consolation the older man says, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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More Attention Getting Business Slogans.
On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:"We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.."
At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."
At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign at a Radiator Shop:"Best place in town to take a leak."

Las Vegas Churches

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...! :)

Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

Wise Sayings

Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it

Man who drive like hell bound to get there

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs

Man who farts in church sits in own pew

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

Blonde Ambitions

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Yesterday I got a call from
the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Helloooooo???? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
am automatically stupid. So I told him exactly what his fast-talking salesman
had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves!

"Hellllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year."
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde
anymore!
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Blondes at the Mall:

A couple of blondes got lost at the mall. So they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says: YOU ARE HERE
One blonde looks at the other and exclaims:"Wow! How do they know that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run - she is still holding the grenade!
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Why did the blonde burn her ear?

The phone rang while she was ironing!
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Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?

It said "concentrate" on it!
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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?

Tell her a joke on a Monday!
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How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright?

Shine a flashlight in her ear!
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant!
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Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?

They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
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What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

They are both empty from the neck up!
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What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A blonde parade!
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Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
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A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Female to Male/Male to Female English dictionary

FINE: Fem> This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Male> This is the word used to answer any question asked by a woman while being distracted by a ball game or anything else requiring our 100% attention. This answer often leads to regrettable promises made, that we later have no memory of.

FIVE MINUTES: FEM>If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Male>5 minutes can mean under five minutes (if we're in a rare especially helpful mood-like being rewarded with sexual favors as soon as it's done). Otherwise, 5 minutes is an indeterminate time period that is ALWAYS longer than 5 minutes and may last years-depending on how soon we're offered sexual favors. Then it's immediately.

NOTHING: Fem>This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
Male>The translation of this word MUST be determined by the accompaning facial expression. If followed by a expressionless, glossy eyed appearance, this TRUELY means Nothing. We are happily in LaLa-land with no cohesive pattern of thought!
If followed by a look of guilt and nervousness: we just bought something silly, rediculous and expensive that you'd NEVER approve of; we just ran over your favorite pet or we just finished looking at one of those internet sites, that you'd NEVER approve of. A guilty "Nothing" is ALWAYS Something!

GO AHEAD: Fem>This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Male>This is a submissive response, knowing that any other answer may result in the loss of reproductive organs. Even when said in anger, this still can result in the loss of reproductive organs. You've got us by the balls either way.

LOUD SIGH: Fem>This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Male> A "Loud Sigh" means you know she knows you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" when you could be having sex instead.

THAT'S OKAY: Fem>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Male>One of the most dangerous statements that a man can make to a woman. You'll forgive whatever she's done to you, BUT you are expected to perform a session of hot & heavy make up sex, the length and acts are determined by the seriousness of the transgressions.

THANKS: Fem> A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Male>When can we have sex again? If we haven't had it yet, when can we start?

WHATEVER: Fem> It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Male> Not common to the male dialogue. Usually used such as "Please forgive me for whatever I've done." meaning "I've got no clue as to why you're upset, but when can we have sex again?"
When a man wants to say "*!#@ YOU!", he says *!#@YOU, BEECH!