Posts
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. I f you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND Last but NOT LEAST.....
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Gentle Lessons of Life
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
*************
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
*************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
**********
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
**********
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
**********
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
**********
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
**********
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
**********
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
**********
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
**********
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
**********
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
*********
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
*********
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
**********
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
***********
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
***********
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
***********
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
**********
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
**********
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
***********
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
*********
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
*************
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
*************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
**********
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
**********
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
**********
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
**********
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
**********
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
**********
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
**********
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
**********
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
**********
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
*********
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
*********
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
**********
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
***********
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
***********
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
***********
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
**********
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
**********
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
***********
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
*********
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
I love this "Doctor" !
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that 's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that 's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Windows 2008 Southern Edition
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2008 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2008, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Southern EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did
Also note that the Southern EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2008:
Tiperiter............a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen...........calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers .......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Southern EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2008 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2008, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Southern EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did
Also note that the Southern EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2008:
Tiperiter............a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen...........calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers .......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Southern EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob
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