Posts
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Hillbilly Medical Terminology
Artery
The study of fine paintings
Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
What to do if CPR fails
Benign
What you are after you be eight
Cesarean Section
Some place in Rome
CATscan
Looking for kitty
Cauterize
Got that purty girl to look at me
Colic
A sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
D & C
Where Washington is
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not your friend
Fester
Quicker
Fibula
A small lie
G.I. Series
Baseball games between teams of soldiers
Hangnail
What you hang your coat on
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates
Lower than day rates
Node
Was aware of
Outpatient
A person who has fainted
Pap Smear
A lie about someone's Pappy
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
Damn near killed him
Secretion
Hiding anything
Seizure
Roman emperor
Tablet
A small table
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport
Tumor
More than one
Urine
Opposite of you're out
Varicose Vein
Veins that are very close together
The study of fine paintings
Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
What to do if CPR fails
Benign
What you are after you be eight
Cesarean Section
Some place in Rome
CATscan
Looking for kitty
Cauterize
Got that purty girl to look at me
Colic
A sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
D & C
Where Washington is
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not your friend
Fester
Quicker
Fibula
A small lie
G.I. Series
Baseball games between teams of soldiers
Hangnail
What you hang your coat on
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates
Lower than day rates
Node
Was aware of
Outpatient
A person who has fainted
Pap Smear
A lie about someone's Pappy
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
Damn near killed him
Secretion
Hiding anything
Seizure
Roman emperor
Tablet
A small table
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport
Tumor
More than one
Urine
Opposite of you're out
Varicose Vein
Veins that are very close together
Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez
Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the
World, but how can I be sure?
Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but
Sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've
Never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were
true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them
whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their
findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it 's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest!'
Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked,"Who in
the hell is Terry Craig!!!
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the
World, but how can I be sure?
Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but
Sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've
Never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were
true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them
whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their
findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it 's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest!'
Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked,"Who in
the hell is Terry Craig!!!
Choking in Arkansas
Two Arkie's walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the Arkie's looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The Arkie walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Arkie walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the Arkie's looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The Arkie walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Arkie walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Wal-mart Wine
Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2009, it will begin offering customers a new discount item .... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine." said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas , Bentonville.
"However, branding will be very important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
1. Chateau du Traileur Parc
2. White Trashfindel
3. Big Red Gulp
4. World Championship Riesling
5. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
8. Ah Kain't Believe it's not Vinegar
9. Grape Expectations
10. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine." said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas , Bentonville.
"However, branding will be very important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
1. Chateau du Traileur Parc
2. White Trashfindel
3. Big Red Gulp
4. World Championship Riesling
5. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
8. Ah Kain't Believe it's not Vinegar
9. Grape Expectations
10. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
You think English is easy???
And YOU think foreign languages are hard!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!
Oh . . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!
Oh . . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
The Wish
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
Cops
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got
5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!'
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got
5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!'
Once more into the pool of blonde jokes.....
A Blonde's Year In Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo! ....bottles won't fit in printer !
March
Got really excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June
Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.. car swamped because soft -top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'... isn't it?
October
Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'... there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!
Blonde vs. computer
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her a ctions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
"My stupid computer keeps telling me, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo! ....bottles won't fit in printer !
March
Got really excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June
Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.. car swamped because soft -top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'... isn't it?
October
Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'... there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!
Blonde vs. computer
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her a ctions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
"My stupid computer keeps telling me, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
Investment tips for 2009
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. ZippoManuf acturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poup-n-Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Watch for these consolidations:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. ZippoManuf acturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poup-n-Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Cake or Bed?......
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
G.E. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..............................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
G.E. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..............................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
Name game
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Terry
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus -izzle.) Terizzle
3.YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color and favorite animal) Blue DOG
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name and street you live on/or
neighborhood if it's a number) Alan View Avenue
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Crate
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and
favorite drink) Purple Mai Tai
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name). Eacllja
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parents' middle names). Roy Ann
9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets). BLACK Gateway
10. YOUR HOOD NAME:....first 3 letters of your first name plus -iqua: Teriqua
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus -izzle.) Terizzle
3.YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color and favorite animal) Blue DOG
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name and street you live on/or
neighborhood if it's a number) Alan View Avenue
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Crate
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and
favorite drink) Purple Mai Tai
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name). Eacllja
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parents' middle names). Roy Ann
9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets). BLACK Gateway
10. YOUR HOOD NAME:....first 3 letters of your first name plus -iqua: Teriqua
Words to live by......
Life is short.
Break the rules,
forgive quickly,
kiss slowly,
love truly,
laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything
that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here we should dance.
Since things neither exist nor don't exist,
are neither real nor unreal,
are utterly beyond adopting and rejecting -
one might as well burst out laughing.
...Tibetan Nyingma master - Longchenpa Rabjampa 14th century
“Anything or anyone
who doesn't bring you alive
is too small for you.”
...David Whyte
Break the rules,
forgive quickly,
kiss slowly,
love truly,
laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything
that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here we should dance.
Since things neither exist nor don't exist,
are neither real nor unreal,
are utterly beyond adopting and rejecting -
one might as well burst out laughing.
...Tibetan Nyingma master - Longchenpa Rabjampa 14th century
“Anything or anyone
who doesn't bring you alive
is too small for you.”
...David Whyte
MENSA WORD LIST
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Each is an artificial word with only
one letter altered to form a real word ..
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.
And the #1 pick:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Here are this year's winners. Each is an artificial word with only
one letter altered to form a real word ..
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.
And the #1 pick:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------! ------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
--------------------------------------------- ----------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman..
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------! ------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
--------------------------------------------- ----------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman..
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Makes you think.....
How many zeros in a billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ...
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans.
Interesting number... what does it mean?
A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) you each get $516,528.
B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or... if you are a family of four...your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D.C
HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephon e State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage ChargeTax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ...
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans.
Interesting number... what does it mean?
A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) you each get $516,528.
B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or... if you are a family of four...your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D.C
HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephon e State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage ChargeTax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
Words of Wisdom
There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will..
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will..
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Something to enjoy in this summer heat....
Calin and Hobbes was my favorite comic strip. These were some of my favorites! The last one is my all-time favorite!!!!
*_DOCTORS' OPINIONS OF THE BAIL OUT PACKAGE:_*
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the
Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons cried "Cut it out! Right away!"
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes
in Washington.
not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the
Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons cried "Cut it out! Right away!"
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes
in Washington.
A woman's world....
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
What's "normal"?
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Sex test.
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female ?
To find out the answer, look down..
Look down, not scroll down you dingy!
Don't feel bad, I fell for it too!!!!
Are you male or female ?
To find out the answer, look down..
Look down, not scroll down you dingy!
Don't feel bad, I fell for it too!!!!
Drunk on the Toilet
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk is screaming.
'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.'
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and
says...'You idiot!......................
You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk is screaming.
'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.'
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and
says...'You idiot!......................
You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
The Kiss
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.. do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I Love you, too.'
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.. do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I Love you, too.'
The Silent Fart
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, 'I
Just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?'
He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, 'I
Just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?'
He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Old Classmates
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS D.D.S. DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1970. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
GRAY-HAIRED,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
DECREPIT,
S O B ASKED.
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS D.D.S. DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1970. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
GRAY-HAIRED,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
DECREPIT,
S O B ASKED.
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'
The Shopping Trip
(For you who don't know this: Dillard's is a nice Department store.)
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit...no flies, No smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen.'Come on, Ellen, let's just go..'
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining,'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.'
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!
As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.
Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all
happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen. 'The nerve of that woman!'
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she
thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.
Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with THE Dillard's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:
After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from
theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites ff baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side,
but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest.
The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Dillard's Bag perched on her stomach!!
God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in awhile..He allows us to witness it!)
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit...no flies, No smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen.'Come on, Ellen, let's just go..'
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining,'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.'
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!
As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.
Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all
happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen. 'The nerve of that woman!'
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she
thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.
Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with THE Dillard's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:
After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from
theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites ff baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side,
but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest.
The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Dillard's Bag perched on her stomach!!
God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in awhile..He allows us to witness it!)
Colonoscopy Journal by Dave Barry
This is from news hound Dave Barry's "Colonoscopy Journal".
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep "spurtage". I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep "spurtage". I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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