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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Chinese Phone Books
China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.
There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.
I felt you needed to know this
There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.
I felt you needed to know this
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Aging
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count aspart of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bringback a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's officeand gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previousday.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, thenwith her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first withthe teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'it between her knees, but still nothing.
'The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bringback a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's officeand gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previousday.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, thenwith her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first withthe teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'it between her knees, but still nothing.
'The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Political Candidate
Young Chuck, moved to Virginia and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.
'The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
'Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.
'The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for county government.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.
'The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
'Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.
'The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for county government.
Kids answers to Science questions
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.....
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Visual DNA...VERY interesting!
When you click on the link, a series of about 15 pictures will come up. Click on a photo in that category that appeals to you.
Again 15 pictures will come up, click the one for you and move on. Just continue to keep picking.
At the end it will give you a profile of yourself.... It's called a visual DNA....
Http://DNA.imagini.net/friends
Again 15 pictures will come up, click the one for you and move on. Just continue to keep picking.
At the end it will give you a profile of yourself.... It's called a visual DNA....
Http://DNA.imagini.net/friends
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity!!!
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Zen of Sarcasm
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. I f you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND Last but NOT LEAST.....
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. I f you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND Last but NOT LEAST.....
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Gentle Lessons of Life
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
*************
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
*************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
**********
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
**********
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
**********
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
**********
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
**********
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
**********
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
**********
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
**********
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
**********
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
*********
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
*********
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
**********
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
***********
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
***********
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
***********
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
**********
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
**********
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
***********
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
*********
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
*************
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
*************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
**********
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
**********
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
**********
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
**********
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
**********
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
**********
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
**********
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
**********
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
**********
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
*********
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
*********
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
**********
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
***********
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
***********
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
***********
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
**********
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
**********
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
***********
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
*********
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
I love this "Doctor" !
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that 's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that 's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Windows 2008 Southern Edition
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2008 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2008, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Southern EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did
Also note that the Southern EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2008:
Tiperiter............a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen...........calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers .......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Southern EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2008 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2008, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Southern EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did
Also note that the Southern EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2008:
Tiperiter............a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen...........calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers .......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Southern EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Don't know if it was true, but makes a funny story anyway!
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen
plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Taped to the box was this note:
Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we
snorted your sister.
plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Taped to the box was this note:
Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we
snorted your sister.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Click on the ball.....
This is guaranteed to drive you nuts!!!!
If you should manage to click on the ball, it will change color.
I did get it to change many times over, but it took awhile.
Click on the link below and have fun !!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Incredible Story
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed the idiot against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.........
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed the idiot against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.........
PG humor
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAY AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE. THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!!!'
Friday, August 15, 2008
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR....
If my body were a car,
This is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .
But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it... --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!!!!!
This is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .
But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it... --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!!!!!
Monday, August 11, 2008
And Still MORE Blonde Jokes
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unphased, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'we don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container: To apply, push up bottom!
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unphased, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'we don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container: To apply, push up bottom!
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Blondapalooza
There were three blondes who wanted to cross a river.
So the first blonde asked God if he would make her smart enough to know how to swim and cross the river.
So God did.
The second blonde asked God to make her smart enough to build a raft and croos over the river.
So God did.
When the third blonde was about to ask God for her wish, God said, "I'm tired of you blondes and your dumb wishes." So he made the third blonde smart enough to see the bridge and cross over it.
ALTERNATE VERSION................
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
A blonde dyed her hair jet black so that people would think she was smarter.
It seemed to work.
People treated her with more respect, and she even felt smarter.
To celebrate, she took a drive in the country.
She spotted a field full of sheep, and got out to take a look.
She found the farmer and said, "these things are so cute, and soft. What are they?"
"Uh, they're sheep, miss," he replied.
"If I can tell you how many sheep are in this field, can I have one?" she asked.
"OK," replied the farmer.
Feeling very smart, she looked around the field and proclaimed, "347."
"Exactly," exclaimed the farmer. "Help yourself."
She picked up an animal she liked and was walking back to her car when the farmer said, "Miss, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. She politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disneyland. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, a brunette and a red head found a magic mirror.
If you lie to the mirror you explode.If you tell the truth you survive.
The red head say's,"I think I am the prettiest girl in the world." BOOM!
The brunette say's,"I think I am the smartest girl in the world." BOOM!
The blonde say's,"I think..."BOOM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A philosopher, a mathamatician and a blonde all go to hell.
The Devil makes them a deal. "If you can stump me, I will let you go to heaven."
The philosopher asks a philosophy question and the Devil snaps his fingers and a book appears and he reads the answer.
The mathamatician asks a math question and the Devil,again,simply snaps his fingers and a book appears and he abnswers the math question.
Then the blonde pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it and farts. She asks the Devil,"What hole did the fart come out of?" The Devil says,"That's easy, all of them." Then the blonde says,"No, it came out of the hole in my ass.. duh."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten!"
"Very good", said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.
"Yes, it's because your blonde." replied her mother.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids said up to D. But I said to G!"
"Very good", said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.
"Yes it's because your blonde." replied her mother.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "we were in gym class today and we were showering. All the girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her shirt to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good." said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.
And the mother answered, "No, Honey...it's because you're 24."
So the first blonde asked God if he would make her smart enough to know how to swim and cross the river.
So God did.
The second blonde asked God to make her smart enough to build a raft and croos over the river.
So God did.
When the third blonde was about to ask God for her wish, God said, "I'm tired of you blondes and your dumb wishes." So he made the third blonde smart enough to see the bridge and cross over it.
ALTERNATE VERSION................
Three blondes were on a deserted island.
All of the sudden a genie popped out of the sand. The genie said, "I'll grant you each one wish."
The first blonde said, "Turn me into a boat, so i can sail to land."
The genie said "Poof", and she sailed to land.
The second blonde wished to be a plane so she could fly to land.
The genie said "Poof", and she flew to land.
The third blonde wished to be a brunette, and the genie said, "Poof" and she turned into a brunette. Then she walked over the bridge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
A blonde dyed her hair jet black so that people would think she was smarter.
It seemed to work.
People treated her with more respect, and she even felt smarter.
To celebrate, she took a drive in the country.
She spotted a field full of sheep, and got out to take a look.
She found the farmer and said, "these things are so cute, and soft. What are they?"
"Uh, they're sheep, miss," he replied.
"If I can tell you how many sheep are in this field, can I have one?" she asked.
"OK," replied the farmer.
Feeling very smart, she looked around the field and proclaimed, "347."
"Exactly," exclaimed the farmer. "Help yourself."
She picked up an animal she liked and was walking back to her car when the farmer said, "Miss, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. She politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disneyland. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, a brunette and a red head found a magic mirror.
If you lie to the mirror you explode.If you tell the truth you survive.
The red head say's,"I think I am the prettiest girl in the world." BOOM!
The brunette say's,"I think I am the smartest girl in the world." BOOM!
The blonde say's,"I think..."BOOM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A philosopher, a mathamatician and a blonde all go to hell.
The Devil makes them a deal. "If you can stump me, I will let you go to heaven."
The philosopher asks a philosophy question and the Devil snaps his fingers and a book appears and he reads the answer.
The mathamatician asks a math question and the Devil,again,simply snaps his fingers and a book appears and he abnswers the math question.
Then the blonde pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it and farts. She asks the Devil,"What hole did the fart come out of?" The Devil says,"That's easy, all of them." Then the blonde says,"No, it came out of the hole in my ass.. duh."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten!"
"Very good", said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.
"Yes, it's because your blonde." replied her mother.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids said up to D. But I said to G!"
"Very good", said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.
"Yes it's because your blonde." replied her mother.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "we were in gym class today and we were showering. All the girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her shirt to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good." said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.
And the mother answered, "No, Honey...it's because you're 24."
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Burial at Sea (Another Blonde Joke!)
Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Chrisy says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Chrisy".
So... they row a little farther.
Again Chrisy asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So...on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?''
"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Chrisy says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Chrisy".
So... they row a little farther.
Again Chrisy asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So...on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?''
"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."
Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question: Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic!
Note: This must be done in your head only .Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it..
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 .
What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary!
Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask....
It's really very simple..
Like you!
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question: Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic!
Note: This must be done in your head only .Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it..
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 .
What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary!
Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask....
It's really very simple..
Like you!
Kitty Litter Cake
Serving Size: 24Notes:This is a fun cake! It might look gross, but it does taste good!
Ingredients:
1 (18 oz.) box spice or german chocolate cake mix
1 (18 oz.) box white cake mix
1 pkg. white sandwich cookies
1 large box vanilla instant pudding mix
12 small tootsie rolls
1 litter box (preferably a NEW one!)
1 plastic scoop
green food coloring
Preparation:
Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).
Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.
Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender, they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork or shake in a jar.
When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding.
You probably won’t need all of the pudding, mix with the cake and “feel” it, you don’t want it soggy, just moist; gently combine.
Put mixture into clean litter box.
Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture.
Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.
Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, three at a time in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs.
Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around. Serve with a new pooper scooper.
Tips For A Better Life
1.)Brush twice a day!
2.)Dress right for the weather.
3.)Visit the dentist regularly.
4.)Get plenty of rest.
5.)Make sure your hair is dry before going outside. 
6.)Eat right.
7.)Get outside in the sun every once in a while.
8.)Always wear a seatbelt. 
9.)Control your drinking of alcoholic beverages.
10.)Smile! It will make you feel better.
11.)Don't over indulge yourself.
12.)Bathe regularly.
13.)Read to exercise the brain.
14.)Surround yourself with friends.
15.)Stay away from too much caffeine.
16.)Use the bathroom regularly.
17.)Get plenty of exercise.
18.)Have your eyes checked regularly.
19.)Eat plenty of vegetables.
20.)Believe that people will like you for who you are.
21.)Forgive and forget.
22.)Take plenty of vacations.
23.)Celebrate all special occasions.
24.) Pick up a hobby.
25.)Love your neighbor as yourself.
Do all these things and you will be a happier, healthier person.
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