Posts
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Disturbing...but true.
A lady was telling the other day that she saw a man driving down the interstate, and a dog was hanging on to the tail gate for dear life. She said if he hadn't been going so fast in the other direction she would have tried to stop him.
A few weeks later her son sees this truck at the bass pro shop! It's a taxidermist's truck!
Friday, January 02, 2009
Muslim Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Aging
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!
The Old Preacher
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
One day while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
The Three Pigs
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building Materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building Materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
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