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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Chinese Phone Books
China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.
There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.
I felt you needed to know this
There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.
I felt you needed to know this
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Aging
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count aspart of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bringback a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's officeand gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previousday.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, thenwith her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first withthe teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'it between her knees, but still nothing.
'The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bringback a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's officeand gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previousday.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, thenwith her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first withthe teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'it between her knees, but still nothing.
'The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Political Candidate
Young Chuck, moved to Virginia and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.
'The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
'Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.
'The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for county government.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.
'The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
'Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.
'The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for county government.
Kids answers to Science questions
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.....
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Visual DNA...VERY interesting!
When you click on the link, a series of about 15 pictures will come up. Click on a photo in that category that appeals to you.
Again 15 pictures will come up, click the one for you and move on. Just continue to keep picking.
At the end it will give you a profile of yourself.... It's called a visual DNA....
Http://DNA.imagini.net/friends
Again 15 pictures will come up, click the one for you and move on. Just continue to keep picking.
At the end it will give you a profile of yourself.... It's called a visual DNA....
Http://DNA.imagini.net/friends
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity!!!
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
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