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Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....
How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP." It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secre tary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silve r, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now .....my time is UP , so time to shut UP! Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U P
Be careful not to screw up.
..........Now I'll shut up.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Curtain Rods
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
How old is Grandpa???
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . And then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
We were before computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk .
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel .
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' 'grass' was mowed,
' 'coke' was a cold drink,
' 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and
' 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.
' 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,
' 'chip' meant a piece of wood,
' 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and
' 'software' wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you t hink about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?????
This man would be only 59 years old!!!
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . And then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
We were before computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk .
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel .
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' 'grass' was mowed,
' 'coke' was a cold drink,
' 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and
' 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.
' 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,
' 'chip' meant a piece of wood,
' 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and
' 'software' wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you t hink about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?????
This man would be only 59 years old!!!
Optical Illusion: Einstein or Monroe?
When you look at this picture in a closer look you see it's Albert Einstein. But if you stand 15 feet away, it will become Marilyn Monroe.
Give a try
Country Funeral Story
As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!'
The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!'
The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'.
6. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk! then see how many looks you get.
8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
10. Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
14. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'.
6. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk! then see how many looks you get.
8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
10. Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
14. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD
This Is AMAZING!!!
Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.
Below are Two Birds.
Which of The Two Birds Is a Female?
Study them closely...
See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.
It can be done.
Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.
Below are Two Birds.
Which of The Two Birds Is a Female?
Study them closely...
See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.
It can be done.
Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ( you'll love this...) At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia and Washington DC
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ( you'll love this...) At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia and Washington DC
The Tapestry of Life
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - - - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farm- yard, the mouse proclaimed the warning : "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, " Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember ---- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
REMEMBER .... EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a FRIEND.
Retreating to the farm- yard, the mouse proclaimed the warning : "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, " Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember ---- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
REMEMBER .... EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a FRIEND.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wally's Still Alive!!!!!
I'm back, friends and family!
Much has been happening, but, for now, I'll be up dating the site with the tons of jokes and such you all have sent me.
Love,
Terry
Much has been happening, but, for now, I'll be up dating the site with the tons of jokes and such you all have sent me.
Love,
Terry
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
More Blonde jokes......
A blonde named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backedup. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!!!" she replied.
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backedup. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!!!" she replied.
Friday, January 19, 2007
The Drunk
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"
Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy crap.My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"
Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy crap.My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
Sometimes I Stop to Think and Forget to Start Again.
Funny Newspaper Ads
From a Dayton paper:"New on the market! Norelco shaver for women with three heads.
From the Bargain Hunter:"Before you put your baby on the floor clean it with a power Carpet sweeper."
From an Iowa paper: "For Sale: 1974 Chevy Nova in first clash condition."
From a sporting goods ad: "Special on golf clubs for good players with movable heads."
From a San Franscico paper: "If your gas range is not exactly level, the food cooked in the oven will not burn as evenly as it should."
From a LA paper: "Fog rolled over LA today, closing 2 airports and slowing snails to a traffic pace."
**************
A tourist walking through Chinatown turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Lars Olaffsen's Laundry."Curious about the oddity of the name he walks into the shop and asks the old Chinese gentleman behind the counter, "How did this place get the name Lars Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man replied, "Is name of owner."The tourist then questions further, "Is the owner here? Can I meet him?""Me owner." comes the reply"You? How did you manage to get a name like Lars Olaffsen?" queries the astonished tourist."Is simple," says the old man. "Many year ago when I first come to this country, I stand in line to get off boat. Man in front of me is big blonde Swede. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name" He say "Lars Olaffsen". Then she look at me and say "What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."
**************
One way to keep your teenage son from borrowing your car is to put "I LOVE MOM" on the license plate.
***************
Top Ten signs You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist.by Cindy Carman
10. He keeps saying I'm the Genie in genealogy.
9. He introduces you to his imaginary assistant.
8. He has an argument with himself and loses.
7. His bionic arm keeps flying up and hitting him in the forehead.
6. He has your pedigree chart tattooed to his chest.
5. He charges you double if you want a copy of it.
4. He introduces you to "Silver Beauty" his beloved paper clip.
3. Pictures of his mother look suspiciously like his dog dressed in an apron.
2. He thinks Washington, DC stands for "Washington, Deceased Colonel".And the number one sign You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist:
1. You accidentally spill water on him and he melts into a pile of clothes.
**************
A young man was playing golf with a much older gentleman. They reached the 9th fairway and the young man was faced with a very difficult shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes the older gentleman chided him, "When I was your age I could hit the ball right over that tree." Feeling the challenge the young man swung very hard and hit the ball. It hit the tree trunk squarely and landed just a foot from where it had previously laid. In consolation the older man says, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
**************
More Attention Getting Business Slogans.
On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:"We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.."
At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."
At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign at a Radiator Shop:"Best place in town to take a leak."
From a Dayton paper:"New on the market! Norelco shaver for women with three heads.
From the Bargain Hunter:"Before you put your baby on the floor clean it with a power Carpet sweeper."
From an Iowa paper: "For Sale: 1974 Chevy Nova in first clash condition."
From a sporting goods ad: "Special on golf clubs for good players with movable heads."
From a San Franscico paper: "If your gas range is not exactly level, the food cooked in the oven will not burn as evenly as it should."
From a LA paper: "Fog rolled over LA today, closing 2 airports and slowing snails to a traffic pace."
**************
A tourist walking through Chinatown turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Lars Olaffsen's Laundry."Curious about the oddity of the name he walks into the shop and asks the old Chinese gentleman behind the counter, "How did this place get the name Lars Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man replied, "Is name of owner."The tourist then questions further, "Is the owner here? Can I meet him?""Me owner." comes the reply"You? How did you manage to get a name like Lars Olaffsen?" queries the astonished tourist."Is simple," says the old man. "Many year ago when I first come to this country, I stand in line to get off boat. Man in front of me is big blonde Swede. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name" He say "Lars Olaffsen". Then she look at me and say "What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."
**************
One way to keep your teenage son from borrowing your car is to put "I LOVE MOM" on the license plate.
***************
Top Ten signs You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist.by Cindy Carman
10. He keeps saying I'm the Genie in genealogy.
9. He introduces you to his imaginary assistant.
8. He has an argument with himself and loses.
7. His bionic arm keeps flying up and hitting him in the forehead.
6. He has your pedigree chart tattooed to his chest.
5. He charges you double if you want a copy of it.
4. He introduces you to "Silver Beauty" his beloved paper clip.
3. Pictures of his mother look suspiciously like his dog dressed in an apron.
2. He thinks Washington, DC stands for "Washington, Deceased Colonel".And the number one sign You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist:
1. You accidentally spill water on him and he melts into a pile of clothes.
**************
A young man was playing golf with a much older gentleman. They reached the 9th fairway and the young man was faced with a very difficult shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes the older gentleman chided him, "When I was your age I could hit the ball right over that tree." Feeling the challenge the young man swung very hard and hit the ball. It hit the tree trunk squarely and landed just a foot from where it had previously laid. In consolation the older man says, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
**************
More Attention Getting Business Slogans.
On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:"We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.."
At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."
At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign at a Radiator Shop:"Best place in town to take a leak."
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Las Vegas Churches
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...! :)
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...! :)
Redneck Man's pick up lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up
Wise Sayings
Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Blonde Ambitions
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Yesterday I got a call from
the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Helloooooo???? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
am automatically stupid. So I told him exactly what his fast-talking salesman
had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves!
"Hellllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year."
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde
anymore!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blondes at the Mall:
A couple of blondes got lost at the mall. So they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says: YOU ARE HERE
One blonde looks at the other and exclaims:"Wow! How do they know that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run - she is still holding the grenade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
It said "concentrate" on it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?
Tell her a joke on a Monday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?
They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Yesterday I got a call from
the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Helloooooo???? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
am automatically stupid. So I told him exactly what his fast-talking salesman
had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves!
"Hellllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year."
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde
anymore!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blondes at the Mall:
A couple of blondes got lost at the mall. So they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says: YOU ARE HERE
One blonde looks at the other and exclaims:"Wow! How do they know that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run - she is still holding the grenade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
It said "concentrate" on it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?
Tell her a joke on a Monday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?
They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Female to Male/Male to Female English dictionary
FINE: Fem> This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Male> This is the word used to answer any question asked by a woman while being distracted by a ball game or anything else requiring our 100% attention. This answer often leads to regrettable promises made, that we later have no memory of.
FIVE MINUTES: FEM>If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Male>5 minutes can mean under five minutes (if we're in a rare especially helpful mood-like being rewarded with sexual favors as soon as it's done). Otherwise, 5 minutes is an indeterminate time period that is ALWAYS longer than 5 minutes and may last years-depending on how soon we're offered sexual favors. Then it's immediately.
NOTHING: Fem>This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
Male>The translation of this word MUST be determined by the accompaning facial expression. If followed by a expressionless, glossy eyed appearance, this TRUELY means Nothing. We are happily in LaLa-land with no cohesive pattern of thought!
If followed by a look of guilt and nervousness: we just bought something silly, rediculous and expensive that you'd NEVER approve of; we just ran over your favorite pet or we just finished looking at one of those internet sites, that you'd NEVER approve of. A guilty "Nothing" is ALWAYS Something!
GO AHEAD: Fem>This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Male>This is a submissive response, knowing that any other answer may result in the loss of reproductive organs. Even when said in anger, this still can result in the loss of reproductive organs. You've got us by the balls either way.
LOUD SIGH: Fem>This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Male> A "Loud Sigh" means you know she knows you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" when you could be having sex instead.
THAT'S OKAY: Fem>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Male>One of the most dangerous statements that a man can make to a woman. You'll forgive whatever she's done to you, BUT you are expected to perform a session of hot & heavy make up sex, the length and acts are determined by the seriousness of the transgressions.
THANKS: Fem> A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Male>When can we have sex again? If we haven't had it yet, when can we start?
WHATEVER: Fem> It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Male> Not common to the male dialogue. Usually used such as "Please forgive me for whatever I've done." meaning "I've got no clue as to why you're upset, but when can we have sex again?"
When a man wants to say "*!#@ YOU!", he says *!#@YOU, BEECH!
Male> This is the word used to answer any question asked by a woman while being distracted by a ball game or anything else requiring our 100% attention. This answer often leads to regrettable promises made, that we later have no memory of.
FIVE MINUTES: FEM>If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Male>5 minutes can mean under five minutes (if we're in a rare especially helpful mood-like being rewarded with sexual favors as soon as it's done). Otherwise, 5 minutes is an indeterminate time period that is ALWAYS longer than 5 minutes and may last years-depending on how soon we're offered sexual favors. Then it's immediately.
NOTHING: Fem>This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
Male>The translation of this word MUST be determined by the accompaning facial expression. If followed by a expressionless, glossy eyed appearance, this TRUELY means Nothing. We are happily in LaLa-land with no cohesive pattern of thought!
If followed by a look of guilt and nervousness: we just bought something silly, rediculous and expensive that you'd NEVER approve of; we just ran over your favorite pet or we just finished looking at one of those internet sites, that you'd NEVER approve of. A guilty "Nothing" is ALWAYS Something!
GO AHEAD: Fem>This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Male>This is a submissive response, knowing that any other answer may result in the loss of reproductive organs. Even when said in anger, this still can result in the loss of reproductive organs. You've got us by the balls either way.
LOUD SIGH: Fem>This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Male> A "Loud Sigh" means you know she knows you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" when you could be having sex instead.
THAT'S OKAY: Fem>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Male>One of the most dangerous statements that a man can make to a woman. You'll forgive whatever she's done to you, BUT you are expected to perform a session of hot & heavy make up sex, the length and acts are determined by the seriousness of the transgressions.
THANKS: Fem> A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Male>When can we have sex again? If we haven't had it yet, when can we start?
WHATEVER: Fem> It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Male> Not common to the male dialogue. Usually used such as "Please forgive me for whatever I've done." meaning "I've got no clue as to why you're upset, but when can we have sex again?"
When a man wants to say "*!#@ YOU!", he says *!#@YOU, BEECH!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Those zany, mad-capped terrorists!
Muslim Heaven: Al Qaeda leader "Osama Bin Laden", killed by US Forces, has finally met with the first of his 72 virgins that Allah promised! 
"ALLAH AKBAR!!
"ALLAH AKBAR!!
More photos........
4 Things to remember:
1. When insulting someone's intelligence, first make sure you have a higher one!
2.
3.
4.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. When insulting someone's intelligence, first make sure you have a higher one!
2.
3.
4.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Priceless:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Four year education at the University of West Virginia? $57,896.00
Admission to a fraternity party? $10.00
A Canon PowerShot 5.0-Megapixel Digital ELPH Camera? $399.00
Sending Mom and Dad a photo of you and your friend, failing to notice the drunken frat boy taking a public whiz in the background? PRICELESS!!!
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