Sometimes I Stop to Think and Forget to Start Again.

Funny Newspaper Ads
From a Dayton paper:"New on the market! Norelco shaver for women with three heads.
From the Bargain Hunter:"Before you put your baby on the floor clean it with a power Carpet sweeper."
From an Iowa paper: "For Sale: 1974 Chevy Nova in first clash condition."
From a sporting goods ad: "Special on golf clubs for good players with movable heads."
From a San Franscico paper: "If your gas range is not exactly level, the food cooked in the oven will not burn as evenly as it should."
From a LA paper: "Fog rolled over LA today, closing 2 airports and slowing snails to a traffic pace."
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A tourist walking through Chinatown turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Lars Olaffsen's Laundry."Curious about the oddity of the name he walks into the shop and asks the old Chinese gentleman behind the counter, "How did this place get the name Lars Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man replied, "Is name of owner."The tourist then questions further, "Is the owner here? Can I meet him?""Me owner." comes the reply"You? How did you manage to get a name like Lars Olaffsen?" queries the astonished tourist."Is simple," says the old man. "Many year ago when I first come to this country, I stand in line to get off boat. Man in front of me is big blonde Swede. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name" He say "Lars Olaffsen". Then she look at me and say "What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."
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One way to keep your teenage son from borrowing your car is to put "I LOVE MOM" on the license plate.
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Top Ten signs You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist.by Cindy Carman
10. He keeps saying I'm the Genie in genealogy.
9. He introduces you to his imaginary assistant.
8. He has an argument with himself and loses.
7. His bionic arm keeps flying up and hitting him in the forehead.
6. He has your pedigree chart tattooed to his chest.
5. He charges you double if you want a copy of it.
4. He introduces you to "Silver Beauty" his beloved paper clip.
3. Pictures of his mother look suspiciously like his dog dressed in an apron.
2. He thinks Washington, DC stands for "Washington, Deceased Colonel".And the number one sign You've Hired the Wrong Professional Genealogist:
1. You accidentally spill water on him and he melts into a pile of clothes.
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A young man was playing golf with a much older gentleman. They reached the 9th fairway and the young man was faced with a very difficult shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes the older gentleman chided him, "When I was your age I could hit the ball right over that tree." Feeling the challenge the young man swung very hard and hit the ball. It hit the tree trunk squarely and landed just a foot from where it had previously laid. In consolation the older man says, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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More Attention Getting Business Slogans.
On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:"We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.."
At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."
At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign at a Radiator Shop:"Best place in town to take a leak."