Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Funny Newspaper Classifieds:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

We don't tear your laundry in our machines. We do it carefully by hand.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Christmas Tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Wanted - folding table by a woman with detachable legs.

Wanted- a boy to take care of horses who can speak German.

For sale - 25 men's wool suits:$15.00- They won't last an hour!

Mother Day Special! - "Don't Kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." - PA newspaper ad

Why go elsewhere to be cheated? You can trust us to do the job!
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It is hard to understand how a cemetery could raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.
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Attention Getting Business Slogans.

At a Podiatrists's office: "Time wounds all heels."

At an Electrical Repair Shop: "Let us remove your shorts."

At a Plastic Surgeon's Office: "We can help you pick your nose."

At a Pastry Shop: "Get your buns in here."

At an Optometrists office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

At a Safe Company:"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

At a Massage palor:"It's great to be kneaded."

At a Concrete company: "We Dry Harder."
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A census taker, while scanning over the form to see if all spaces had been properly filled in, noticed the figures 120 and 112 under the headings, "Age of Father, if living.", and "Age of Mother, if living.""Are your parents really that old?" asked the amazed Census Taker.Came the reply, "Sure, if they were living."
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Tombstone Inscription in Scottish Cemetery:
Here lies Hamish McTavish whose deeply sorrowing widow continues to carry on his flourishing green-grocery business at 11 High Street - open daily until 8:00.