Wally The Wailer: Jokes, Comedy and Humor from the Twisted Side of Life

Halloween Humor: Special Witch Edition

2011-10-28T11:35:00.000-05:00

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!!!

2011-09-28T05:16:00.000-05:00

SavasanaPosition of total relaxation.

Balasana Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

MarjayasanaPosition stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.

HalasanaExcellent for back pain and insomnia.

DolphinExcellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

SalambhasanaGreat exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Ananda BalasanaThis position is great for massaging the hip area.

MalasanaThis position, for ankles and back muscles.

PigeonTones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.

Little Boys

2009-05-24T23:44:00.001-05:00

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

Hillbilly Medical Terminology

2009-05-24T23:38:00.001-05:00

Artery
The study of fine paintings

Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria

Barium
What to do if CPR fails

Benign
What you are after you be eight

Cesarean Section
Some place in Rome

CATscan
Looking for kitty

Cauterize
Got that purty girl to look at me

Colic
A sheep dog

Coma
A punctuation mark

D & C
Where Washington is

Dilate
To live long

Enema
Not your friend

Fester
Quicker

Fibula
A small lie

G.I. Series
Baseball games between teams of soldiers

Hangnail
What you hang your coat on

Impotent
Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane

Morbid
A higher offer than I bid

Nitrates
Lower than day rates

Node
Was aware of

Outpatient
A person who has fainted

Pap Smear
A lie about someone's Pappy

Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative
A letter carrier

Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery

Rectum
Damn near killed him

Secretion
Hiding anything

Seizure
Roman emperor

Tablet
A small table

Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport

Tumor
More than one

Urine
Opposite of you're out

Varicose Vein
Veins that are very close together

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez

2009-05-24T22:06:00.002-05:00

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the
World, but how can I be sure?

Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but
Sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've
Never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were
true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them
whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their
findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it 's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest!'

Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked,"Who in
the hell is Terry Craig!!!

Choking in Arkansas

2009-05-24T22:01:00.000-05:00

Two Arkie's walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the Arkie's looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The Arkie walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Arkie walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Wal-mart Wine

2009-05-24T21:44:00.001-05:00

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2009, it will begin offering customers a new discount item .... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine." said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas , Bentonville.

"However, branding will be very important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

1. Chateau du Traileur Parc
2. White Trashfindel
3. Big Red Gulp
4. World Championship Riesling
5. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
8. Ah Kain't Believe it's not Vinegar
9. Grape Expectations
10. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

You think English is easy???

2009-05-24T21:39:00.001-05:00

And YOU think foreign languages are hard!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

The Wish

2009-05-24T21:34:00.001-05:00

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Cops

2009-05-24T21:10:00.001-05:00

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got
5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!'

Once more into the pool of blonde jokes.....

2009-05-24T21:06:00.001-05:00

A Blonde's Year In Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo! ....bottles won't fit in printer !

March
Got really excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June
Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.. car swamped because soft -top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'... isn't it?

October
Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'... there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!

Blonde vs. computer

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her a ctions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

"My stupid computer keeps telling me, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

Investment tips for 2009

2009-05-24T21:00:00.000-05:00

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. ZippoManuf acturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poup-n-Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Cake or Bed?......

2009-05-24T20:57:00.000-05:00

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
G.E. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

Name game

2009-05-24T20:14:00.002-05:00

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Terry

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus -izzle.) Terizzle

3.YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color and favorite animal) Blue DOG

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name and street you live on/or
neighborhood if it's a number) Alan View Avenue

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Crate

6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and
favorite drink) Purple Mai Tai

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name). Eacllja

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parents' middle names). Roy Ann

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets). BLACK Gateway

10. YOUR HOOD NAME:....first 3 letters of your first name plus -iqua: Teriqua

Words to live by......

2009-05-24T20:10:00.000-05:00

Life is short.
Break the rules,
forgive quickly,
kiss slowly,
love truly,
laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything
that made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here we should dance.

Since things neither exist nor don't exist,
are neither real nor unreal,
are utterly beyond adopting and rejecting -
one might as well burst out laughing.

...Tibetan Nyingma master - Longchenpa Rabjampa 14th century

Anything or anyone
who doesn't bring you alive
is too small for you.

...David Whyte

MENSA WORD LIST

2009-05-24T20:06:00.000-05:00

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Each is an artificial word with only
one letter altered to form a real word ..

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

And the #1 pick:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

2009-05-24T19:58:00.001-05:00

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Men's answer to Maxine

2009-05-24T19:54:00.001-05:00

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------! ------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
--------------------------------------------- ----------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman..
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Makes you think.....

2009-05-24T19:53:00.001-05:00

How many zeros in a billion?
This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ...
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans.

Interesting number... what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) you each get $516,528.

B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or... if you are a family of four...your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C
HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephon e State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage ChargeTax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'

Words of Wisdom

2009-05-24T19:50:00.000-05:00

There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters,

Who never did,

Who won't anymore...

And who always will..

So, don't worry about people from your past,

there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

One last look at Calvin: Hannibal Lector in Under-Roos

2009-05-24T19:32:00.001-05:00

More Calvin......

2009-05-24T19:29:00.002-05:00

Something to enjoy in this summer heat....

2009-05-24T19:25:00.003-05:00

Calin and Hobbes was my favorite comic strip. These were some of my favorites! The last one is my all-time favorite!!!!

_DOCTORS' OPINIONS OF THE BAIL OUT PACKAGE:_

2009-05-24T16:07:00.002-05:00

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the
Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons cried "Cut it out! Right away!"

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes
in Washington.

A woman's world....

2009-05-24T15:57:00.002-05:00

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

--------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

What's "normal"?

2009-05-24T15:39:00.003-05:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Sex test.

2009-05-24T15:39:00.000-05:00

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female ?
To find out the answer, look down..

Look down, not scroll down you dingy!

Don't feel bad, I fell for it too!!!!

Drunk on the Toilet

2009-05-24T15:18:00.004-05:00

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk is screaming.

'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!'

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.'

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and
says...'You idiot!......................

You're sitting on the mop bucket!'

The Kiss

2009-05-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.. do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I Love you, too.'

The Silent Fart

2009-05-24T15:04:00.000-05:00

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, 'I
Just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Old Classmates

2009-05-24T14:58:00.000-05:00

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS D.D.S. DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1970. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,
GRAY-HAIRED,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
DECREPIT,
S O B ASKED.

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'

The Shopping Trip

2009-05-24T14:43:00.002-05:00

(For you who don't know this: Dillard's is a nice Department store.)

Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit...no flies, No smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen.'Come on, Ellen, let's just go..'

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining,'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.'

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!

As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.

Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all
happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen. 'The nerve of that woman!'

Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she
thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.

Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with THE Dillard's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from
theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites ff baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side,
but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest.

The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.

In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Dillard's Bag perched on her stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in awhile..He allows us to witness it!)

Colonoscopy Journal by Dave Barry

2009-05-24T14:31:00.000-05:00

This is from news hound Dave Barry's "Colonoscopy Journal".

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep "spurtage". I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER:

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Last of the AARP Bumper Stickers

2009-01-13T12:37:00.002-05:00

Even More AARP Bumper Stickers

2009-01-13T12:27:00.002-05:00

More AARP bumper stickers

2009-01-13T12:23:00.001-05:00

AARP Bumper Stickers

2009-01-13T12:18:00.002-05:00

Disturbing...but true.

2009-01-13T11:56:00.001-05:00

A lady was telling the other day that she saw a man driving down the interstate, and a dog was hanging on to the tail gate for dear life. She said if he hadn't been going so fast in the other direction she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later her son sees this truck at the bass pro shop! It's a taxidermist's truck!

And Even MORE Idiots

2009-01-13T11:45:00.002-05:00

More Idiots

2009-01-13T11:39:00.001-05:00

Attention: People are idiots!

2009-01-02T11:55:00.005-05:00

Muslim Quarterback

2009-01-02T11:31:00.000-05:00

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

Aging

2009-01-01T18:51:00.002-05:00

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```
Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!

The Old Preacher

2009-01-01T18:27:00.001-05:00

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

The Three Pigs

2009-01-01T18:22:00.001-05:00

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building Materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

The love story of Ralph and Edna

2008-12-25T17:25:00.000-05:00

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Chinese Phone Books

2008-12-25T15:29:00.000-05:00

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.

There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.

I felt you needed to know this

Aging

2008-12-16T14:32:00.000-05:00

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count aspart of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bringback a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's officeand gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previousday.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, thenwith her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first withthe teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'it between her knees, but still nothing.

'The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Political Candidate

2008-12-16T14:21:00.001-05:00

Young Chuck, moved to Virginia and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.

'The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.

'Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.

'The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for county government.

Kids answers to Science questions

2008-12-16T12:15:00.001-05:00

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.....

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Visual DNA...VERY interesting!

2008-12-15T12:59:00.000-05:00

When you click on the link, a series of about 15 pictures will come up. Click on a photo in that category that appeals to you.

Again 15 pictures will come up, click the one for you and move on. Just continue to keep picking.

At the end it will give you a profile of yourself.... It's called a visual DNA....
Http://DNA.imagini.net/friends

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity!!!

2008-12-15T12:47:00.000-05:00

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

The Zen of Sarcasm

2008-11-24T14:00:00.000-05:00

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. I f you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND Last but NOT LEAST.....

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Gentle Lessons of Life

2008-11-24T13:59:00.001-05:00

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
*************
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
*************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
**********
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
**********
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
**********
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
**********
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
**********
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
**********
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
**********
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
**********
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
**********
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
*********
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
*********
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
**********
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
***********
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
***********
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
***********
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
**********
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
**********
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
***********
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
*********
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

I love this "Doctor" !

2008-11-24T13:51:00.000-05:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that 's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Windows 2008 Southern Edition

2008-11-24T13:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2008 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2008, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Southern EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the Southern EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2008:

Tiperiter............a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen...........calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers .......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Southern EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob

Don't know if it was true, but makes a funny story anyway!

2008-09-28T09:36:00.002-05:00

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen
plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Taped to the box was this note:

Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we
snorted your sister.

Comedy Central

2008-08-21T07:42:00.000-05:00

2008-08-19T16:51:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought all the good ideas were taken!

2008-08-19T16:04:00.005-05:00

Click on the ball.....

2008-08-19T15:49:00.000-05:00

This is guaranteed to drive you nuts!!!!

If you should manage to click on the ball, it will change color.

I did get it to change many times over, but it took awhile.

Click on the link below and have fun !!!!!!!!

http://mazzanet.id.au/ball.php

Comedy Central

2008-08-19T15:23:00.000-05:00

Incredible Story

2008-08-17T14:07:00.005-05:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed the idiot against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.........

PG humor

2008-08-17T12:51:00.004-05:00

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAY AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE. THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!!!'

The State of Our Union

2008-08-15T12:43:00.003-05:00

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR....

2008-08-15T12:28:00.002-05:00

If my body were a car,

This is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .

But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it... --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!!!!!

And Still MORE Blonde Jokes

2008-08-11T16:30:00.002-05:00

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist

for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,

they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unphased, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the

stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'we don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks

at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from

the container: To apply, push up bottom!

More Toonz

2008-08-11T14:46:00.003-05:00

Blondapalooza

2008-08-09T13:49:00.003-05:00

There were three blondes who wanted to cross a river.

So the first blonde asked God if he would make her smart enough to know how to swim and cross the river.

So God did.

The second blonde asked God to make her smart enough to build a raft and croos over the river.

So God did.

When the third blonde was about to ask God for her wish, God said, "I'm tired of you blondes and your dumb wishes." So he made the third blonde smart enough to see the bridge and cross over it.

ALTERNATE VERSION................

Three blondes were on a deserted island.

All of the sudden a genie popped out of the sand. The genie said, "I'll grant you each one wish."

The first blonde said, "Turn me into a boat, so i can sail to land."

The genie said "Poof", and she sailed to land.

The second blonde wished to be a plane so she could fly to land.

The genie said "Poof", and she flew to land.

The third blonde wished to be a brunette, and the genie said, "Poof" and she turned into a brunette. Then she walked over the bridge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

A blonde dyed her hair jet black so that people would think she was smarter.

It seemed to work.

People treated her with more respect, and she even felt smarter.

To celebrate, she took a drive in the country.

She spotted a field full of sheep, and got out to take a look.

She found the farmer and said, "these things are so cute, and soft. What are they?"

"Uh, they're sheep, miss," he replied.

"If I can tell you how many sheep are in this field, can I have one?" she asked.

"OK," replied the farmer.

Feeling very smart, she looked around the field and proclaimed, "347."

"Exactly," exclaimed the farmer. "Help yourself."

She picked up an animal she liked and was walking back to her car when the farmer said, "Miss, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. She politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disneyland. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde, a brunette and a red head found a magic mirror.

If you lie to the mirror you explode.If you tell the truth you survive.

The red head say's,"I think I am the prettiest girl in the world." BOOM!

The brunette say's,"I think I am the smartest girl in the world." BOOM!

The blonde say's,"I think..."BOOM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A philosopher, a mathamatician and a blonde all go to hell.

The Devil makes them a deal. "If you can stump me, I will let you go to heaven."

The philosopher asks a philosophy question and the Devil snaps his fingers and a book appears and he reads the answer.

The mathamatician asks a math question and the Devil,again,simply snaps his fingers and a book appears and he abnswers the math question.

Then the blonde pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it and farts. She asks the Devil,"What hole did the fart come out of?" The Devil says,"That's easy, all of them." Then the blonde says,"No, it came out of the hole in my ass.. duh."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten!"

"Very good", said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.

"Yes, it's because your blonde." replied her mother.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids said up to D. But I said to G!"

"Very good", said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.

"Yes it's because your blonde." replied her mother.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "we were in gym class today and we were showering. All the girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her shirt to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good." said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.

And the mother answered, "No, Honey...it's because you're 24."

Michael Jackson

2008-08-09T10:32:00.001-05:00

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A: From a catalogue

Gas Price Humor (Better Laugh Than Cry!!!)

2008-08-09T08:54:00.002-05:00

Burial at Sea (Another Blonde Joke!)

2008-08-02T17:51:00.002-05:00

Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Chrisy says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Chrisy".

So... they row a little farther.

Again Chrisy asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

So...on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?''

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

Test for Dementia

2008-08-02T16:22:00.003-05:00

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question.

You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

First Question: Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only .Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it..

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 .

What is the total?

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.

Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters:

1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary!

Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask....

It's really very simple..

Like you!

Kitty Litter Cake

2008-08-02T16:06:00.004-05:00

Serving Size: 24

Notes:This is a fun cake! It might look gross, but it does taste good!

Ingredients:
1 (18 oz.) box spice or german chocolate cake mix
1 (18 oz.) box white cake mix
1 pkg. white sandwich cookies
1 large box vanilla instant pudding mix
12 small tootsie rolls
1 litter box (preferably a NEW one!)
1 plastic scoop
green food coloring

Preparation:
Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).

Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.

Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender, they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork or shake in a jar.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding.

You probably won’t need all of the pudding, mix with the cake and “feel” it, you don’t want it soggy, just moist; gently combine.

Put mixture into clean litter box.

Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture.

Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, three at a time in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs.

Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around. Serve with a new pooper scooper.

Tips For A Better Life

2008-08-02T15:13:00.008-05:00

1.)Brush twice a day!
2.)Dress right for the weather.
3.)Visit the dentist regularly.
4.)Get plenty of rest.
5.)Make sure your hair is dry before going outside.

6.)Eat right.

7.)Get outside in the sun every once in a while.
8.)Always wear a seatbelt. 9.)Control your drinking of alcoholic beverages.

10.)Smile! It will make you feel better.

11.)Don't over indulge yourself.

12.)Bathe regularly.

13.)Read to exercise the brain.

14.)Surround yourself with friends.

15.)Stay away from too much caffeine.

16.)Use the bathroom regularly.
17.)Get plenty of exercise.
18.)Have your eyes checked regularly.
19.)Eat plenty of vegetables.
20.)Believe that people will like you for who you are.

21.)Forgive and forget.
22.)Take plenty of vacations.
23.)Celebrate all special occasions.
24.) Pick up a hobby.
25.)Love your neighbor as yourself.

Do all these things and you will be a happier, healthier person.

Toonz

2008-08-02T14:25:00.007-05:00

Driver's License

2008-08-02T14:19:00.003-05:00

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. '

My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Are You Yankee or Dixie?

2008-07-30T20:05:00.002-05:00

This will REALLY test your American English!!!

This is one of the most interesting things I have run across, enjoy it!

This is fun, give it a try!

Click on link below:

The Yankee or Dixie quiz

5 NUNS IN TOWN

2008-07-30T16:39:00.002-05:00

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.

It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and
Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

(scroll down)

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

2008-07-30T14:40:00.003-05:00

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one! Compared with Gasoline......

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ..... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ..... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............

(you won't believe it....but it is true........)

$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

Men Have It Easier

2008-07-30T14:32:00.001-05:00

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Maxine

2008-07-30T14:20:00.002-05:00

Little House in the Big City

2008-07-30T14:00:00.004-05:00

Actual House for sale in Brooklyn

This house, located near the intersection of Ave T and Van Siclen Ave is believed to be Brooklyn's smallest house. Occupying what used to be a driveway, it's a one bedroom, one bathroom home that sits on a parcel of land 7.25 feet (2.2 metres) wide and 113.67 feet (34.6 metres) long and has an interior area of just under 300 square feet (under 28square metres).

Here's the living room, looking towards the front of the house
Here's the living room again, looking towards the back ....
Here's the kitchen. Note that despite the small space,they've managed to fit a washer and dryer into the place
Here's the bedroom. It comes with a Murphy bed, which is a necessity in such a space. This is what itlooks like with the Murphy Bed down

And here the bedroom with the Murphy Bed retracted:

You also get some patio space out back.Here it is, looking towards the front of the house:
And here's the patio looking towards the back:

Here are the home's 'Listed Features':

* Completely re-done top-to-bottom, front-to-back!

* Tumbled stone entrance walk

* Renovated Bath

* Renovated Kitchen with newer stove, new cabinets and new stacked washer/dryer

* Bedroom with Murphy Bedd + 'Built-Ins' ... (doubles as a den)!

* Walk-out to fenced patio

* 100 Amp service

* 2 Satellite Dishes and Receiver

* Window Air Conditioner Available

THE PRICE ? ? ?

You get all this for ONLY$179,900.00!

EVEN STILL MORE CLEAN JOKES FOR SLIGHTLY TWISTED MINDS...

2008-07-19T09:49:00.002-05:00

STILL MORE CLEAN JOKES FOR SLIGHTLY TWISTED MINDS...

2008-07-19T09:42:00.001-05:00

MORE CLEAN JOKES FOR SLIGHTLY TWISTED MINDS...

2008-07-19T09:36:00.002-05:00

CLEAN JOKES FOR SLIGHTLY TWISTED MINDS...

2008-07-19T09:11:00.002-05:00

PRICE OF GAS AROUND THE WORLD

2008-07-19T09:02:00.002-05:00

Feeding a horse might be cheaper than feeding my
car.
Price of Gas around the World
And it will get higher yet..
-----------------------------
Prices are quoted in US dollars per gallon for
regular unleaded.

Oslo, Norway
$6.82

Hong Kong
$6.25

Brussels, Belgium
$6.16

London, UK
$5.96

Rome,Italy
$5.80

Tokyo, Japan
$5.25

Sao Paulo, Brazil
$4.42

New Delhi, India
$3.71

Sidney, Australia
$3.42

Johannesburg, South Africa
$3.39

Mexico City
$2.22

Buenos Aires, Argentina
$2.09

... YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS ...

Riyadh , Saudi Arabia
$0.91

Kuwait
$0.78

Caracas, Venezuela
$0.12

NOW, DOESN'T THAT JUST FROST YOUR PATOOTIE?!

Geography ...

2008-07-19T08:59:00.001-05:00

Better get out your world atlas before you try this one !!

This will keep you going for hours - it's not easy.
Click the link below ...

http://www.lufthansa-usa.com/useugame2007/html/play.html

This is too true to be funny - funny enough to cry that is.

2008-07-19T08:29:00.002-05:00

The next time you hear a politician use the

word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about

whether you want the 'politicians' spending

YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,

but one advertising agency did a good job of

putting that figure into some perspective in

one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were

living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-God had not created us yet.........?

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and

20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of

New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you

each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in

New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family

gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Perm it Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),

Liquor Tax,

Luxury Tax,

Marriage License Tax,

Medicare Tax,

Property Tax,

Real Estate Tax,

Service charge taxes,

Social Security Tax,

Road Usage Tax (Truckers),

Sales Taxes,

Recreational Vehicle Tax,

School Tax,

State Income Tax,

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),

Telephone Federal Excise Tax,

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax,

Telephone Federal, State and Local Su rcharge Tax,

Telephone Minimum Usage Su rcharge Tax,

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,

Telephone State and Local Tax,

Telephone Usage Charge Tax,

Utility Tax,

Vehicle License Registration Tax,

Vehicle Sales Tax,

Watercraft Registration Tax,

Well Permit Tax,

Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,

and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to 'press 1' for English.

What the heck happened?????

This is too true to be very funny

2008-07-17T19:59:00.002-05:00

The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
Whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of
New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you
Each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family
Gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D.C . HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirts,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.
Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax hi m until he's good and sore..
Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom!'
And when he's gone,
We won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Perm it Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Su rcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to 'press
1' for English.

Would YOU stop drinking?

2008-07-08T11:22:00.002-05:00

Found in a Montana history book circa 1919

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster:

I mean seriously, would you quit drinking?

Alcohol and Ammo

2008-07-08T11:13:00.001-05:00

Click Here

2008-07-08T10:57:00.003-05:00

LIE DETECTOR

2008-07-08T10:57:00.001-05:00

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Southern Jokes

2008-07-08T10:32:00.000-05:00

Alabama

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
Pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping
Garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'

Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'ma dumpin it here, cause it says
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world
Comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.'

When asked why, he replied he'd Rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 Years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said To his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75 The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

Tennessee

A man in Tennessee had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

Arkansas

'You can say what you want about the South,
But I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the north.

Ashes to Ashes

2008-07-08T10:25:00.001-05:00

An inquisitive young boy nervously approached his priest after the Sunday Service and asked: ”Father, is it true that when we are born we come from the dust, and when we die we return to the dust?”

The puzzled priest responded, “Yes, that is true… When we are born we come from the dust and, when we die, we return to the dust…... Why do you ask?”

“Well,” the boy whispered, ”I think there’s someone under my bed but I can’t if they’re coming or going!!!!”

This will brighten UP your day

2008-05-31T09:55:00.002-05:00

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....

How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP." It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secre tary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silve r, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now .....my time is UP , so time to shut UP! Oh...one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U P

Be careful not to screw up.

..........Now I'll shut up.

Curtain Rods

2008-05-31T09:40:00.002-05:00

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

How old is Grandpa???

2008-05-31T09:27:00.002-05:00

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill

There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . And then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk .

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel .

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . But who could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' 'grass' was mowed,
' 'coke' was a cold drink,
' 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and
' 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.
' 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,
' 'chip' meant a piece of wood,
' 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and
' 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you t hink about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????

This man would be only 59 years old!!!

Wally The Wailer: Jokes, Comedy and Humor from the Twisted Side of Life

Halloween Humor: Special Witch Edition

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!!!

Little Boys

Hillbilly Medical Terminology

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez

Choking in Arkansas

Wal-mart Wine

You think English is easy???

The Wish

Cops

Once more into the pool of blonde jokes.....

Investment tips for 2009

Cake or Bed?......

Name game

Words to live by......

MENSA WORD LIST

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

Men's answer to Maxine

Makes you think.....

Words of Wisdom

One last look at Calvin: Hannibal Lector in Under-Roos

More Calvin......

Something to enjoy in this summer heat....

*_DOCTORS' OPINIONS OF THE BAIL OUT PACKAGE:_*

A woman's world....

What's "normal"?

Sex test.

Drunk on the Toilet

The Kiss

The Silent Fart

Old Classmates

The Shopping Trip

Colonoscopy Journal by Dave Barry

Last of the AARP Bumper Stickers

Even More AARP Bumper Stickers

More AARP bumper stickers

AARP Bumper Stickers

Disturbing...but true.

And Even MORE Idiots

More Idiots

Attention: People are idiots!

Muslim Quarterback

Aging

The Old Preacher

The Three Pigs

The love story of Ralph and Edna

Chinese Phone Books

Aging

Political Candidate

Kids answers to Science questions

Visual DNA...VERY interesting!

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity!!!

The Zen of Sarcasm

Gentle Lessons of Life

I love this "Doctor" !

Windows 2008 Southern Edition

Don't know if it was true, but makes a funny story anyway!

Comedy Central

Just when you thought all the good ideas were taken!

Click on the ball.....

Comedy Central

Incredible Story

PG humor

The State of Our Union

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR....

And Still MORE Blonde Jokes

More Toonz

Blondapalooza

Michael Jackson

Gas Price Humor (Better Laugh Than Cry!!!)

Burial at Sea (Another Blonde Joke!)

Test for Dementia

Kitty Litter Cake

Tips For A Better Life

Toonz

Driver's License

Are You Yankee or Dixie?

5 NUNS IN TOWN

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

_DOCTORS' OPINIONS OF THE BAIL OUT PACKAGE:_